Joey can you spare a clarenet
by Homer Jay Simpson
Summary: When Joey and his old gang plan to obliterate all music it's up to his concisnecse and Yugi and Tristan and T'ea and Buffy


Disclamer:I don't Own Yu-Gi-Oh  
* * * Brother, Can You Spare a Clarinet? * * * By lizzie_11 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----  
  
Music class. The class is all playing. Joey's having trouble playing his clarinet properly. He sounds lousy -- all squeaky.  
  
The teacher, Ms. Krasney, tells them they played very nice, and even comments specifically that Joey played well. Joey's frowning, because he knows he did a crappy job. Ms. Krasney goes on to say that she's got some special news. The Young Person's Symphony is holding tryouts next weekend. One of them could end up playing for a year in one of the best youth orchestras around...  
  
This immediately starts everyone whispering to each other about how wonderful this would be. All apart from Joey, who thinks that everyone is whispering about him. Joey wheels around in his seat.  
  
Joey: What!? Everyone looks away from Joey.  
  
* * *  
  
Outside, after school, Tristan, Tea, and Yugi are talking. Tristan's borrowed a tuba from the school's collection of band instruments to practice on at home. This is allowed -- there's a sign in the music room that said that instruments had to be signed out.  
  
Tea says she's going to play a Souza march. Tristan says he's going to play one too, Seventy-Six Tubas. When Tea points out that the songs actually called Seventy-Six Trombones and is neither a Souza march, or about tubas, Tristan says he'll adapt it.  
  
Yugi sees Joey come down the stairs and asks him what piece he's going to play. Joey says he's not going to play anything. He's not even bothering to try out.  
  
This starts Tristan, Tea, and Yugi chattering, as Joey's the "best musician in the school".  
  
Joey growls at them, and stomps off.  
  
Tea: Sheesh! What's wrong with him? * * * Joey's in his pajamas in his bedroom. He tries to play his clarinet. He plays ok, but then it starts sounding off again, and he hurls his clarinet on the floor. As he does so he announces that "Music stinks!".  
  
* * *  
  
At music class the next day, Buffy's showing off her Stradivarius violin, which is the finest violin made. Buster and Brain have "here we go again" expressions on their faces. She goes on to say that her violin is worth more than everyone else's instruments combined.  
  
Buffy: If you want to make it into the big leagues, the proper instrument is a must! Tristan taps it and wisecracks that being able to play it is a must as well.  
  
A security guard that Buffy hired is grinning, but he puts his hands on Tristan's shoulders. Buster gasps.  
  
Ms. Krasney comments that personal security guards aren't allowed in class. Buffy counters by saying that if the school is prepared to pay for the Stradivarius if it gets damaged... Ms. Krasney is willing to argue, but Buffy defuses things by suggesting the guards (there are two of them) check the perimeter instead.  
  
With the security guards out of the way, the class can begin. They're going to be playing Mozart's Clarinet Concerto.  
  
Which they do, to a certain extent -- Buffy's kind of terrible. What's more noticable is that Joey is supposed to be doing the clarinet solos. Which he isn't doing. He's just sitting in his chair smiling, with his arms crossed.  
Ms. Krasney: Joey, it's not a clarinet concerto if nobody plays during the clarinet passages. Joey: Guess you'd better find somebody to do that then, lady!  
  
Gasps all around.  
  
* * *  
  
Joey is sent to Mr. Haney's office. Mr. Haney looks over Joey's "LIST OF OFFENSES", which has been typewritten and signed by Ms. Krasney.  
LIST OF OFFENSES Joey refuses to play in class Joey does not bring his clarinet to class Joey talks back in class. Ms. Krasney  
  
Joey has his elbows on Mr. Haney's desk holding his head up. He looks quite the rebel. Mr. Haney comments to Joey that this is "quite the episode of misbehavior".  
  
Joey: It's a start! Mr. Haney: Pardon me?  
  
Joey gets up and starts pacing with one arms behind his back and the other in front of him, lecturing.  
  
Joey: Who am I, Mr. Haney... Joey is getting philsophical, but Mr. Haney think's it's a direct question, not a rhetorical one, and starts going through his files, trying to find out what Joey's name is. He admits that he doesn't know...  
  
Mr. Haney: Well, I'm not sure, actually... there are so many students here... ...which is dumb. Try looking at the LIST OF OFFENSES... I guess all that head trauma has finally scrambled Mr. Haney's brain  
  
Joey says he'll tell Mr. Haney who he is. A doofus. Mr. Haney, still searching his records says that they don't have anyone by the name of "Doofus" at the school. He's not really listening.  
  
Joey isn't listening either. He says he used to be a rebel; he used to own recess. He looks out at the kids playing on the field -- Fern was talking to Jenna, and then she went and swung on the climbing frame.  
  
Joey says now he's "just another wimp who plays the clarinet"... Well, that's going to change.  
  
Joey: It's time to say goodbye, wimp, and hello Joey... and I mean the real Joey. He turns around and looks rather mean.  
  
Mr. Haney: Well, there you go, you're Joey. Now that we've straightened that out, I hope... Too late though -- Joey's storming out the door of the principal's office to regain his evil status.  
  
Joey: See you at detention, Mr. Haney... Mr. Haney: That's right, young man! Detention!  
  
He smiles as he says it, as if he thinks Joey's helping him out by suggesting it -- but Joey's not heard anyway, and has shut the door. Mr. Haney immediately starts to question himself, thinking that it's a bit harsh. Joey comes back in, still not listening to Mr. Haney.  
  
Joey: I'm sorry, but this was driving me crazy. Joey rearranges the flowers in the vase on Mr. Haney's desk for him.  
  
* * *  
  
Joey comes barging across the playground to find the Tough Customers lazing about with a stereo. The Tough Customer contingent is made up of Molly, Rattles and oddly enough, a new recruit to the Tough Customers -- Slink, who I thought went to Mighty Mountain.  
  
They are pleased to see Joey's returned to the fold. They discuss strategy on top of the climbing frame.  
  
Rattles: It seems like ages since we pulled anybody's pants down.  
  
Joey says he has bigger plans than pulling down pants. He has a plan that "bullies will be talking about for the next millennium. They eagerly ask what the plan is.  
  
Joey: Let's just say, "Silence is Golden". * * *  
  
The Tough Customers go around to the kids in Arthur's class, under Joey's orders, taking the instruments they signed out from them so they can be "refinished". The instruments are then taken to a closet at the school with a sign on it reading "SILENCE IS GOLDEN".  
  
Joey: Always, always make the location of your secret base obvious by mounting it on a door.  
  
The Tough Customers are able to take everyone's instruments, including Francine's drum kit -- that is, everyone's instruments except for Buffy's violin, which has an alarm fitted to it. This tells Slink to "Step away from the Stradivarius". If that wasn't enough, the two guards approach. Slink slinks away.  
  
The "refinishing" done, the instruments get returned to Yugi and the gang.  
  
* * *  
  
The thing is, the instruments have been sabotaged rather than refinished -- they do have new finishes though. When Yugi and his friends try to play in music class, they struggle to make any sounds with their instruments.  
  
Francine's drum kit has been wrapped in newspaper. Tea's cello has elastic bands for strings. Mokuba's saxaphone looks like it's been dipped in grease. Tristan's tuba has had flowers planted in the bell. All the keys on Yugi's piano have been taped together. Joey is laughing.  
  
Buffy of course is still able to play, but she sounds lousy. Everyone else looks at their instruments in surprise, as if they didn't notice what had happened to them. Joey plays dumb -- he says somebody's been taking their instruments and "refinishing" them. Ms. Krasney asks who. Tristan's about to spill the beans when Joey glowers at him.  
  
Tristan: They... were just like that when we got 'em out of our lockers! * * *  
  
Tea, Tristan, and Yugi walk home, past the comic book shop, Tea's parents ice cream shop, and the joke shop. Buster and Brain are lugging home their instruments -- Tristan's tuba still sporting its flowers. Tristan's explaining how the goal of Joey's evil scheme, entitled "Silence is Golden", is to wipe out music. Joey says that Joey's said that his ultimate goal is to rid the world of music.  
  
Tristan: You know what he said? Today Domino City, tomorrow the world! Tea says that a Fifteen-year-old couldn't do it. It's not possible. Tristan points out that Joey's getting other Fifteen-year-olds to help him.  
  
Tristan stops to water the flowers in his tuba at a drinking fountain. He can hear clarinet music, and comments that it reminds him of how Joey used to play.  
  
It is. Inside a music shop, Joey is trying out a clarinet. His parents are with him, and the music shop owner is looking on. Joey thinks the clarinet he's playing is great, and would like his parents to get it for him. Unfortunately, the clarinet is $1000. Joey's parents can't afford that -- Joey's old clarinet will have to do for the time being. Joey shows them that his current clarinet "stinks". He plays it and sounds lousy. It makes Joey's Dad and the music shop owner squirm.  
  
Joey's Dad: I wish we could afford it, but we just can't. Joey comes barging out of the store and throws his clarinet into a garbage can.  
  
Joey: No real musician would be caught dead with this thing! Yugi and his buddies have been watching all this unfold from around the side. Joey and his parents don't see them as they walk off. Yugi states the blatantly obvious -- Joey doesn't actually hate music -- he's been misbehaving because his clarinet is worn out.  
  
Tea says she has an idea.  
  
* * *  
On TV, Bionic Bunny is sitting inside watching TV and eating a TV dinner. Outside, there are some bad guys in suits. The leader, a bull-person, tells his henchmen to turn on the "anti-bionic machine" on his signal. This machine will remove Bionic Bunny's powers. The bull-person puts in earplugs, and the machine is turned on. It shoots rays into the ventilation duct vent on the ground floor of Bionic Bunny's apartment. The waves waft up and come out of the vent in Bionic Bunny's apartment. Bionic Bunny's muscles shrink. Bionic Bunny: Oh no! An anti-bionic sound wave!  
  
Joey is sitting watching this, jotting down notes.  
  
Joey: Bingo... Just then, Yugi and his friends ring Joey's doorbell. They have a present for him. In a scene that's familiar, Joey says his birthday is next month. Joey unwraps the present to find his clarinet, which Brain fixed. Joey starts playing it and it sounds good for a little while. Then a paperclip and some gum fly out of it. These are what Brain fixed the clarinet with.  
  
Joey gets angry at them, but doesn't have time to do anything to them, as he has an evil scheme to plan. He slams the door on them.  
  
Tristan and Yugi don't think much of Tea.  
  
Tea: You try fixing a clarinet with paperclips and chewing gum!  
* * *  
  
It's the morning of the tryouts at Domino High. There's a fair number of people who have shown up, notes Yugi.  
  
Yugi's sorry they messed up -- looks like Joey's not coming. Tristan's worried that Joey will unleash his evil scheme. He wonders what it might be. Tea tells him not to worry -- there's nothing Joey could do here. * * *  
  
Meanwhile, in the room marked "Silence is Golden", Joey is explaining his plan to the Tough Customers. He's made a map, as the key to the plan is the location. He points out the locations to his cronies.  
  
Plan A is "here, in the closet". Plan B is "over here, in the Boy's room". Plan C is in the gymnasium.  
  
Rattles: Brilliant plan, boss. Joey continues, calling for the "anti-music machine" to be brought in. Molly rolls it in. It's a children's wagon with a megaphone attached to the front with electrical tape. Behind the mouthpiece of the megaphone is a metal stand with Joey's old clarinet attached. Joey puts in earplugs, as do his henchmen, and proceeds to test the machine -- He blows into the clarinet.  
  
The megaphone amplifies the harsh sounds of Joey's worn-out clarinet.  
  
Joey: TEST SUCCESSFUL. * * *  
  
Yugi's playing Beethoven's Fifth reasonably well on stage in the auditorium, on the piano, which is back to normal, while a panel of three judges rate his abiltity. There is a ventilation grille behind them, just like at Bionic Bunny's apartment. On the other side of the wall happens to be the closet which the Tough Customers have been using as their base. Rattles calls out that the machine is in position.  
  
Joey calls for them to open the ventilation shaft. They open the vent.  
  
One of the judges asks the one closest to the vent, Mary, to shut it, as there's a draft. She does so, just as Joey was taking a deep breath. This foils Joey's plan. Joey punches into his open fist. They have to go to "Plan B".  
  
* * *  
  
Joey and the Tough Customers with their machine in tow, sneak up to the washroom door. Joey opens the door a tad to make sure the coast is clear. Inside, Mr. Morris, the janitor is using the sink. Joey, Rattles and Slink start whistling, standing at the entrance.  
  
* * *  
  
Back in the auditorium, Francine's playing the drums, which no longer are covered in newspaper.  
  
* * *  
  
Mr. Morris dries his hands with a paper towel, and watches the Tough Customers, who are still loitering around the door.  
  
* * *  
  
Tea plays her cello. Yes, the cello is back to normal as well.  
  
* * *  
  
Mr. Morris is now gargling at the sink. He spits out, and then starts drying his hair with a hairdryer.  
  
Joey elects to go with "Plan C". They move out.  
  
* * *  
  
Rattles locates the ventilation shaft and calls it out to his "boss". Joey instructs the others to position the machine quickly. They do so. The machine in place, Joey orders the shaft to be opened.  
  
* * *  
  
Inside the auditorium, Buffy is playing her expensive violin badly. On stage, she is flanked by her security guards, both of whom are cringing.  
  
In the gymnasium, the sound of Buffy's playing is making Joey and the Tough Customers cringe as well.  
  
Rattles: I guess someone else had the same idea, boss! Joey picks up his machine and exits the gymnasium. This surprises the Tough Customers.  
  
* * *  
  
Even the judges are cowering from the sound of Buffy's playing. They thank her.  
  
Suddenly the door of the auditorium is flung open. Joey interrupts what's going on.  
  
Joey: That's not music, and I'll beat up anybody who says it is! The judge who wanted the vent shut earlier stands up.  
  
Judge: Now listen here, young man... Joey retorts that they should listen. He unfastens the clarinet from his machine, and starts playing. For the most part, he sounds good. At the end, he waves his fists.  
  
Joey: Now if you'll excuse me, I have an evil scheme to finish. The judges were smiling throughout Joey's impromptu performance. They think he's good. They stop him. Joey thinks they're going to insult him.  
  
Joey: I know... my clarinet stinks. The judge says that that is the case, but anyone who can make a clarinet in that condition sound as good as that is a true musician. The judges have their candidate for the Young Person's Symphony Orchestra!  
  
* * *  
  
The symphony practices every Saturday at 10. Joey says he can do that. They shake his hand. Then they tell him they'd like to provide him with a better clarinet. Joey has it made in the shade.  
  
Both the Tough Customers and Joey's classmates crowd around him. Buster's impressed -- Joey's the only one in the school who got in! Buffy says it can't be much of an orchestra if they can't appreciate a Stradivarius.  
  
Rattles: What about "Silence is Golden", boss? Joey walks off.  
  
Joey: Don't be a doofus, doofus. Silence stinks! Joey goes walking off into the sunshine down the hall.  
  
Tristan: There goes a true musical hero. Joey deliberately knocks down George, who's coming the opposite way down the hall, knocking him to the ground. Joey just keeps on walking, and George just lies on the ground. Joey laughs.  
  
Yugi: No Tristan, there goes Joey. END. 


End file.
